"Five Things To Do Before The Nuclear War Breaks Out"
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“Five Things To Do Before The Nuclear War Breaks Out”

Judging by the way things are going now, it’s not looking good for anybody except maybe cockroaches.

So we’ve compiled a list of five things you should do before the nuclear war breaks out. May the odds ever be in your favor.

1 – Get All The Expensive Dark Liquor And Expensive Cigarettes.

Kim Jong Un is believed to enjoy a stiff, dark drink or two (who doesn’t) and designer cigarrettes. The North Korean dictator, who’s only 32, pretty much binge drinks and chain-smokes everywhere he goes. If you’re going to survive the nuclear war, you’re not going to want to be sober. Grab yourself a few dozen bottles before the dictator raids homes everywhere for the best Henny.

2 – Get All 7 Rocky Movies.

Trust us. You’ll need these. Not only do they tell the story of survival and man overcoming all odds, they’re also Kim Jong Un’s favorites. He even attends concerts covering Rocky’s theme song. If nuclear war happens, this series is a great guide on how to prepare. Plus with with all 7 Rocky flicks in your possession, guess who’s gonna be cool with the enemy?

3 – Bet On The Chicago Bulls. Hammer. The. Over.

It’s no secret that Kim Jong Un loves the Bulls. This summer he even had former Bulls power forward Dennis Rodman over and set up a basketball camp for North Korean kids.

If there’s one thing you can be sure of during this nuclear war, it’s the Chicago Bulls. They’re American, so if we win the war they’re sure to be safe. But if North Korea comes knocking, there’s a solid chance they’ll become the Pyongyang Bulls and never lose a game again. Bonus: buy yourself a basketball and pick up some skills. It’ll double as a Wilson from Cast Away. We all need a friend during this time.

4 – Twinkies.

If you want any hope of surviving this thing, you’re gonna need some sustenance. Twinkies are the most obvious solution. With an impossibly long shelf life (these spongecakes are loaded with preservatives, all the better to persevere yourself) and an indulgent creamy center, you’ll be living large on these things for a very long time.

5 – Buy Some Battery Operated Hair Clippers.

Just because you might be living like Chuck Noland in Cast Away doesn’t mean you need to look like him. This is 2017. Whether you’re a North Korean dictator or a metrosexual microbrewer in Brooklyn, you’ll need to blend in with your surroundings. Might as well rock some thick rimmed glasses while you’re at it. Regardless of who wins this war, we’re all gonna be looking like this:

3 Comments

3 Comments

  1. Leekelvin

    August 11, 2017 at 8:52 am

    N.KOREA WON’T LAST ONE ROUND. !!!
    RAIN THEM WITH MISSILES FOR 30 MINS.
    THEY WILL RAISE THE WHITE FLAG. !!
    NO COMBAT SOLDIERS NEEDED. !

  2. James

    August 11, 2017 at 11:13 am

    Dictator Saddam ran his mouth and look what happened. Everyone was so worried about his well trained million man elite republican guard. Who was supposed to destroy our guys. HA! We WIPED THEM OUT in 48 days. I should know I was there! N. KOREA is no match for U.S.! If they fire first, which is what they are planning to do, the world has no choice but to accept. WE WILL HAVE TO PROTECT ourselves. GOOD-BYE N.Korea!

    • Kris M

      August 11, 2017 at 1:47 pm

      Didn’t half of those republican guards run away. They saw the Americans coming, and where like f’ck this, I am out of here”.

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