The ratings for the National Basketball Association finals have hit rock bottom and baffled NBA officials are trying to determine why America doesn’t want to watch a group of multi-millionaires throw a ball around while disrespecting the country that gave them everything they have and wearing Jerseys celebrating a Marxist extremist group that has been burning down cities over absolutely nothing for the last four months or so.
NBA Commissioner Will Fully-Blind said he was stymied by the ratings drop.
Speaking to a reporter who was on his way to cover something people cared about more than the NBA finals, like a supermarket opening, or a really big pothole, Mr. Fully-Blind said, “I can’t understand it. These NBA stars are very, very good at bouncing a ball up and down and then throwing it through a metal hoop, so why don’t people want to watch them spit on the memories of men who fought and died to defend the country they’re disrespecting for no reason?”
Commissioner Fully-Blind said he was shocked that even the audience for the Lakers games featuring LeBron James now largely consisted of the cardboard cutouts of human beings placed in the stands, many of whom left early in order to beat the cardboard traffic back to their cardboard homes.
Another 178 people were also watching the games on TV, but they were also cardboard.
Mr. Fully-Blind told a janitor who couldn’t get out of the men’s room while the Commissioner was blocking the doorway, “I thought everyone would want to see LeBron James criticize America on issues about which he knows nothing, especially after he kept silent on the torture and oppression of people in China in order not to jeopardize his big paycheck. After all, no one can bounce a ball like King James bounces a ball and if ball-bouncing isn’t the most important thing, well, then I don’t know what is.”
The finals will continue some time on some channel, but really, who cares?