Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee Adam Schiff has announced that he will investigate himself for lying repeatedly unless he’s also lying about investigating himself.
In a statement made through both sides of his mouth at once, Schiff said, “I am absolutely shocked at my level of dishonesty. I myself heard myself repeatedly say I was an honest person, but it now turns out even that was a lie. I am therefore going to start a full investigation into myself, unless it turns out that that’s also untrue, in which case I’ll be forced to investigate that, unless I’m lying about that as well.”
In a sworn statement to the rubber duck in his bathtub, Schiff said, “The fact that I have lied about President Trump repeatedly for three years brings into question my swearing to tell the truth so I am hereby ordering the committee to open an investigation into my committing perjury which would begin immediately except for the fact that I’m not really ordering the committee to investigate my committing perjury, I’m just saying I am.”
Schiff later showed up on the steps of the Capitol building where he waved a sealed envelope back and forth in front of reporters until they fell into a deep sleep and promised to report every absurd thing he said as if it were true. Schiff then said, “I have in this envelope a list of over a dozen lies I have told about President Trump, and since I’ve been claiming to have evidence against Trump all this time and I haven’t, I think I must be innocent of lying if I’m claiming I’m lying now, except that I’m also lying about being innocent so maybe I do have evidence against myself in this envelope, at this point, who the hell knows.”
Schiff went on to say he had found himself to be so dishonest, he was resigning from the committee chairmanship, effective immediately. He then called the committee to order.